US And Iran Are Quietly Negotiating As Middle East Remains On Edge. Here’s What To Know
US And Iran Talks Moved To Venetian Library So Negotiators Can Be Very, Very Quiet
VENICE, ITALY. Taking the word “quietly” as a binding diplomatic commitment, American and Iranian negotiators have relocated their talks to a hushed Venetian library best known for its starring role in a 1989 adventure movie, sources whispered Monday.
“The terms were clear: quiet negotiations,” said a State Department aide, speaking so softly that this reporter had to read his lips. “We looked at Oman. We looked at Geneva. Then someone remembered the library with the marble floor and the big stained glass windows, and it was unanimous.”
Delegates on both sides have reportedly adopted strict rules, including no talking above a murmur, no chewing, and a total ban on stamping documents, which an Iranian staffer described as “the loudest thing a bureaucracy can do.”
Progress has been slow. Observers say both delegations spent most of the first session pacing the floor and counting tiles, convinced the deal was buried somewhere underneath. One American official was escorted out after he was found tapping on a floor marker with a borrowed stanchion.
“Somebody keeps saying X marks the spot,” said the library’s head archivist, Paola Grimani, 66, who has asked both delegations to stop climbing the bookshelves. “There is no X. There has never been an X. Please put the rope back.”
Mediators remain optimistic. A Qatari-brokered proposal currently on the table would allow each side one sneeze per day, to be announced 24 hours in advance.
At press time, the talks had been briefly suspended after a delegate dropped a stapler, startling three diplomats and a pigeon.